Letter to a Suicide

Dearest (name omitted for privacy),

I really wish that I could talk with you today. I mean, I suppose I can always talk to you, but I fear I will never again hear your voice in response.

I am sure that you could share many secrets unknown to us still-living. But that's not why I wish you were here now. I have simply missed conversing with you. Your youth betrayed your worldliness.

I don't think that you knew how much I enjoyed your company while you were here. I now wish that I had told you while I had a chance. But I always assumed that we'd have so much more time.

I'm not angry at you, and I never was. Broken-hearted, yes, but angry, no. Hell, if I had been you, I might've done it too. And I still might.

I'm sorry, but I'm a little too emotional to write more now. I'll try to compose myself and write more later. But I was just wanting to send you a message tonight, and praying is still kinda foreign to me, so I thought I'd try this.


I do hope that you are finally at rest. Please visit me in my dreams again; it's been too long.

“Train Running Low On Soul Coal”
words & music by Andy Partridge
from the XTC album “The Big Express”

Me train running low on soul coal
They push-pull tactics are driving me loco
They shouldn't do that, no no no,
They shouldn't do that.
Me train running low on dream steam
They pull me whistle too hard, me bound to scream
And they shouldn't do that, no no no,
They shouldn't do that.

Think I'm going south for the winter.
Think I'm going mad,
In this hinterland between young and old
I'm a thirty-year-old puppy doing what I'm told
And I'm told there's no more coal for the older engines.

Me train running low on soul coal
They push-pull tactics are driving me loco
And they shouldn't do that, no no no,
They shouldn't do that, no!
Me train running low on dream steam
They pull me whistle too hard, me bound to scream
And they shouldn't do that, no no no,
They shouldn't do that, no!

Think I'm going south for the winter.
Think I'm going west,
And my sprinter's speed is reduced to a crawl
My rails went straight, but straight into the wall
It's the wall on which they dash the older engines.

And all my servants are leaving;
Imagination gone packing.
Can't find the wound from where I'm bleeding
“He's just a nut, and he's cracking.”

Hammer goes down, brakes all scream;
Me and a couple of empty carriages.
Slide down hill, still,
Next stop, Bad Dreamsville~!

Think I'm going south for the winter; yeah, yeah, yeah!
Think I'm going west,
And my sprinter's speed, reduced to a crawl
My rails went straight, straight into the wall
It's the wall on which they dash the older engines. Nooooooo!!!

Me train running low on soul coal, whee-ee! Whee-ee!

"The Blue Mask"
lyrics & music by Lou Reed

They tied his arms behind his back to teach him how to swim.
They put blood in his coffee, and milk in his gin.
They stood over the soldier, in the midst of a squalor.
There was war in his body, and it caused his brain to holler.

Make the sacrifice, mutilate my face
If you need someone to kill
I'm a man without a will.
Wash the razor in the rain, let me luxuriate in pain
Please don't set me free
Death means a lot to me.

The pain was lean and it made him scream
He knew he was alive.
He put a pin through the nipples on his chest
He thought he was a saint.
I've made love to my mother, killed my father and brother
What am I to do?
When a sin goes too far, it's like a runaway car
And cannot be controlled.
Spit upon his face and scream: There is no Oedipus today!
This is no play you're thinking you are in,
What will you say?
Take the blue mask down from my face
And look me in the eye
I get a thrill from punishment, I've always been that way.
I loathe and despise repentance,
You are permanently stained.
Your weakness binds indifference and indiscretion in the streets.
Dirty's what you are and clean is what you're not
You deserve to be soundly beat.

Make the sacrifice, take it all the way,
There is no 'won't' high enough
To stop this desperate day.
Don't take death away, cut the finger at the joint
Cut the stallion at his mount
And stuff it in his mouth.